Call me a spoilt bitch, but...

Apparently kids have low self-esteem because they are looking at the fantastic lives their friends are posting on Facebook and know their own lives suck by comparison. I don’t have this problem. I’m ‘living the dream’. I have an unbelievably beautiful house in France, a swimming pool, a choice of thirteen different loos to pee in. But I’ve got a confession to make. Fabulous and beautiful though my life undoubtedly is, I’m still not happy. I dreamed The French Retreat, I manifested it, I’m living it. And it’s nice, really it is. I have everything I’ve ever wanted and yet it’s not enough.

You could call me a spoilt bitch. Quite justifiably. I’ve said it to myself. But I’ve come to the conclusion that actually I’m a killjoy. My husband and daughter ask me to do things that I would really enjoy and I say no. I send them off to have fun so that I can spend the afternoon washing sheets. Don’t get me wrong, the sheets need to be washed. There’s always sheets to wash when you have 13 bedrooms and you spend your life posting about how fabulous it is and inviting everyone to come and stay. But there’s fun to be had that I deny myself. Having fun is so challenging. It makes me tense up inside and get scared. I would rather chop onions for thirty people than sit back and enjoy the incredible gifts of my life.

It might be the strong Scottish work ethic. Or having been brought up by two war babies who were both in care before the age of 3. Or being a ‘1’ on the enneagream, or having my Mars in Virgo. I don’t know. But I’ve really had enough of it. I’m bored hearing myself complaining about the weeds that have grown up again. I’m ashamed to see the light in other people’s faces when they ask about The French Retreat, to know that I have something that others can only dream of and I still want to tell them about the laundry.

This is why I’ve decided to do The Bridge Retreat. I saw a lot of people looking a bit like me arriving at the five day Bridge course that was held at our place in France last September. I cried with happiness while I was doing the washing up, the night they were all whooping with joy in the living room. It was so unbelievably beautiful to see all their shiny happy faces at the end of the week. It made the washing all worthwhile I thought. This is what I’ve worked for - to see other people have their lives transformed.

Yes, I know, what a martyr. What am I teaching my children? To slave away and never enjoy themselves. To give and never take. No. I don’t want it for me and I don’t want it for them. So, yes, I’m ready to cross The Bridge. I’ll tell you what it’s like on the other side.

The next Bridge Retreat is being held at the French Retreat on 24th -29th October. There’s an Introduction evening in London on 5th October. Call 07510 325304 or see http://thebridge.events/ for more info.