My back has gone again. I can’t haul myself out of the sofa, and am thinking crawling is a viable mode of travel. Last time it went like this I was pregnant, and the time before, and the time before that was when I got married. But hell no, I’m 51, so I can’t be pregnant. So I decide to go and meditate on my pain, find out what it’s about and fix it - so I can get on with my life. (Yes I know you’ve worked it out already but I’m a bit slow when it comes to my own patterns.)
And as meditation is almost always a process of not emptying my mind, it wandered off wondering how many people get pregnant at 51 onto the Trump Clinton debate last night, and the sexually abusive remarks that came to light over the weekend. I HATE TRUMP SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. (Sorry, I just needed to get that out).
One of the things this election is making me think about is Male vs Female. A sexual predator/abuser is up for election to the most powerful position in the world and as a defence against his behaviour he argues that his opponent is worse than him because her husband had extra-marital sex too. It’s not even his opponent he’s talking about but HER HUSBAND. I have to stop and take a breath because the rage is rising in me again.
So the shadow of America’s psyche is fighting it out over who is more abusive to women. (You probably know this but in Jungian psychology, the shadow refers to an unconscious aspect of the personality which the conscious ego does not identify in itself.) And my back is hurting like crazy, even as I try and breathe into it to relax the muscles. Oh I get it: this is about me - my inner fight between my male and female sides. I really tried to be a boy when I was little. It’s what my mum wanted and I did my best, with my short haircut, Clarks Commando shoes, boys department swimming trunks, being the only girl in the class at an all boys school and still coming top of the class. I did the job so well that until I hit puberty everyone thought I was a boy. When I discovered that it wasn’t a successful strategy to win love I rebelled and became, in appearance at least, all women. But the fight is going on internally. So when I got pregnant and I had to withdraw into myself, to sit on my inner throne instead running around in the world making things happen like an alpha male, I broke in the middle.
Then I gave birth to a transgender child. One of those angelic Indigo children who appear to have a soul path to integrate the masculine and feminine sides of themselves. Maybe that last fact doesn’t have anything to do with me. Or maybe it’s another big clue I’m ignoring.
Whether it’s the deep feminine pulling against my masculine, or my intellect versus my emotional self, or in shamanic terms my North and South pulling in opposite directions, it’s my lower back that’s shouting for me to change my ways.
If it’s outside of me and driving me crazy then it must be part of my unowned dark side (thank you Debbie Ford for your ‘The Dark Side of the Light Chasers’). So do I have an inner Donald Trump? Am I abusive to women? Well, I have to admit that I am, because I am a woman and I verbally abuse myself daily when I beat myself up for not having cleared my To Do list. I abuse my body by drinking too hard and cutting my summer holiday short from two weeks to two days so I can fit in a work event. I’ve even abused myself sexually (no I don’t mean like that) when I’ve said ‘ok’ when I wanted to say no.
And recently I’ve stood up and said that I want to develop my work as a self-esteem coach, and join with my husband to run relationship workshops. I want to help women have much happier partnerships. OMG. It’s that old onion isn’t it? When we say we want to teach something we have to start by learning it.
I have to learn about the power struggle between my own inner man and woman, before I can help others face the power struggles in their own partnerships.
Ok, so now I’ve got it - in my head, at least. So next I have to learn it in my body. I can’t ignore this pain anymore and just pop an Ibuprofen to numb out to it. So if anyone has any suggestions please comment below. Except if it’s to tell me that you love Donald Trump.